how does it feel? 

to feel perfect, just for a day. where everything goes your way. where no one ever ignores you, deems you unworthy of ever amounting to something.

there’s no point trying, is there? 

I try and try and try and I’m never good enough for anyone.

well here we are. 

yesterday was my tournament, and surprisingly, shockingly, luckily, and thank you God, i got first. it was an emotional rollercoaster that day with my doubts and fears and queasy feelings but i made it through so thank you for that. i won’t go into details because that would just relive that emotional ride and i cannot take it right now.

anyway.

school starts monday. it’s been a week, no sorry, two weeks since an actual lesson and it felt so good.

frankly, i did waste my holiday. i youtube-ed and facebook-ed and tumblr-ed and tweeted and all that and i didn’t study, albeit from referring to notes while doing the science papers - that’s all. i feel rather guilty now i guess, because i should have spent it better but i can’t go back in time and replay these one/two weeks.

—-

but not really a ‘new years resolution’, i guess you could say ‘new term resolution (?)’ i’m going to try my best to turn over a new leaf.

i haven’t really been a good person this term, last year, and i’ve had my doubts about myself and others and i had my irritation with people and my hurt all inside so it was nice to have this holiday to relieve myself of all this, to interact with these people from home because i could be more sensible, me meaning what i say, and less stressed out because i wasn’t locked up in that stressed world.

i’m going to try and maintain this when i go back to school. it’s going to be difficult, yeah, and i know it’s one thing to say this now and another to commit, but i’ll try. i’m going to try and mean whatever i say and just be simple. i mean, in primary school when i saw girls liking boys in class and this breaking up and different couples and fights i used to wonder ‘why so much drama’ but here i am in secondary school being the one to make it and involve myself in it.

i don’t want to have drama at all. so i’m going to try and keep everything simple and nice. if i say ‘hello’ i’ll actually mean nice to meet you and if i say something’s nice and when i give my opinion about something i’m going to be honest about it and i’m going to mean what i say. 

i’m promising this to myself because there really isn’t any point to all this drama and i should avoid it and not start it, and i want to live without any queasy uncomfortable feeling in me that i would get.

keep your eyes open. 

Everybody’s waiting,

Everybody’s watching,

Even when you’re sleeping,

 Keep your eyes open.

The tricky thing,

Is yesterday we were just children,

Playing soldiers,

 Just pretending,

Dreaming dreams with happy endings.

In backyards,

Winning battles with the wooden swords,

But now we’ve stepped into a cruel world,

Where everybody stands and keeps score.

(Keep your eyes open)

Everybody’s waiting for you to break down,

Everybody’s watching, to see the fallout,

Even when you’re sleeping, sleeping,

Keep your eyes open.

Keep your eyes open,

Keep your eyes, open.

So here you are,

Two steps ahead and staying, on guard,

Every lesson forms a new scar,

They never thought you’d make it, this far,

But turn around,

They’ve surrounded you,

It’s a showdown,

And nobody comes to save you now,

But you’ve got something they don’t,

Yeah you’ve got something they don’t,

You just gotta keep your eyes open.

Everybody’s waiting for you to break down,

Everybody’s watching, to see the fallout,

Even when you’re sleeping, sleeping,

Keep your eyes open,

Keep your eyes,

Keep your feet ready,

Heartbeat steady,

Keep your eyes, open

Keep your aim locked,

 The night grows dark,

Keep your eyes, open.

(Keep your eyes, open.)

(Keep your eyes, open.)

Everybody’s waiting for you to break down,

Everybody’s watching, to see the fallout,

Even when you’re sleeping, sleeping,

Keep your eyes open,

(Keep your eyes, open,)

Keep your eyes, open,

(Keep your eyes, open,)

Keep your eyes, open.

what i wanted to say today? 

that applies to all of us.

the word is hypocrites, and yeah, I’m one of them too but I’m always painted as the only one.

but I kept my mouth shut. so tell me, aren’t you?

like i was poison in your mouth. 

Days like this I want to drive away

Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade

‘Cause you chewed me up and spit me out

Like I was poison in your mouth

You took my light, you drained me down

But that was then and this is now

Now look at me

This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

Throw your sticks and stones

Throw your bombs and your blows

But you’re not gonna break my soul

This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

I just wanna throw my phone away

Find out who is really there for me

You ripped me off,

your love was cheap

Was always tearing at the seams

I fell deep and you let me drown

But that was then and this is now

Now look at me

This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

Throw your sticks and stones

Throw your bombs and your blows

But you’re not gonna break my soul

This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

well, 

i haven’t been blogging. it’s 060312 and i’m listening to part of me my katy perry.

wheee.

i’m so stressed. by work, by chess, by everything. next friday there’s a chess tournament and i’ve done absolutely nothing and i’m terrified because i’m rated first and hence expected to win everyone.

but i can’t.

i can’t.

i drew with victoria in december, when i was supposed to win. in fact, she was winning. she denies it vehemently but yeah - it was because of her fear of me being oh-so-great that causes this.

what am i going to do?

i need to win. there are so many people there better than me but because of my rating i’m expected to do well and i can’t i really can’t. i’m so worried what am i doing to do. sigh.

and then school.

i don’t understand linear graphs at all, and yesterday during math tuition i actually started crying. my math teacher took one look at my sketches (which i showed her because i didn’t know how to do one part of the question) and said it was all wrong and not proportionate.  and that was it. and i was just so frustrated because i spent time and effort drawing those and i just didn’t understand. and my tuition teacher is a rather practical-sensible kind of teacher and can’t help me with concepts or higher ability questions. when i reach problems like this, i ask mdm lee. but i can’t because my questions that are genuinely questions to me are to stupid for her to handle.

so i can’t ask anyone. tuition teacher, out. sister, out. mdm lee, out.

what do i do?

friends.

i’m left alone, half the time. they don’t bother to include me in their discussions, and if i don’t partner them/take the initiative neither will they. and half the time, taking the initiative does nothing too. do i don’t know what to do, and i just wonder if half of them actually care about me.

likely not?

so again - what am i supposed to do?

honestly, i’m really stressed for chess. i want to get first place so badly because i’m expected to do it and if i don’t it’s just embarrassment and shame and disappointment. what am i going to do? i just can’t win them…

but i have to because i’m expected to and this pressure is just on me and i can’t handle it. i hate it.

what i wanted to say last friday. 

well it was the day of audition briefing, the day i pulled out because it was so chinese.

and then later on as i was talking to mdm oehlers (just earlier that day i told her i was in mindsports) she said ‘oh are you in choir?’

and i said no. and she said i looked like a choir person.

but i wasn’t.

and i don’t know why but this really hurt me for some reason. because i’m not good enough to be in a cca i actually enjoy, because i hang out with choir people but i’m not actually one of them. whenever they go off talking about choir i’ll be like ‘oh okay’ and just. do nothing.

i’m a ‘choir person’ but i’m not.

idk but that just hurts. i’m sitting on a fence and i don’t know where i belong and i guess i just belong where nobody is.

and then i had to walk up the stairs myself because my friends left without me. which i normally wouldn’t mind, because i know the bell rang/was going to ring soon and they didn’t have to wait for me. but i was already so emotional and i was already holding back tears talking to mdm oehlers because i wanted to join but i couldn’t (see there it is again - half in half out).

but yeah. that thing stung me again and by the end of the day i was frustrated and sad.

not good enough.

alone 

cold. empty. forgotten.

i miss you and it’s just there are so many words i wish i could tell you but i can’t get them out of my head and form proper sentences with them. they’re just blips, bits and pieces of words, phrases, pronouns with nothing to link them all up.

memories. help. sorry. forget. please. white horse. do you remember? michael. hours and hours.

-

anyway. i’m pigging out a lot this cny. sigh.

it’s amazing how i’m still hung up on you. 

after so long.

after so long.